Sad days here in France.

Not just because we lost 1-0 to Portugal in the Euro Finals. Not just because the United Kingdom voted to leave the European Union. Not just because we’re France and most of us are mimes with teardrops drawn on our cheeks.

No, it’s because all of our women now belong to Cristiano Ronaldo. This sucks.

We thought it was a joke, honestly, when they called us the night before the match to inform us of our legal obligation to marry all 32 million adult French women off to Portugal’s greatest footballer. But no.

Apparently, the legal contracts that we all signed before the Euros began had some fine print in there that unfortunately we didn’t read. That’s our bad. This still feels harsh.

Our beloved France, which had historically been a lifelong fromage fete, is now decidedly — as the Americans like to say — a sausage fete. At least having no women here will allow us to focus more on the sport of soccer. Next time, we will play harder and smarter and read our UEFA contracts.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.