Breaking years of silence on political matters, Michael Jordan has decided to speak out against the Monstars, the team of large, alien basketball-playing monsters in the movie, “Space Jam.”

“For too long, the Monstars have been winning interstellar basketball games using tactics of fear and intimidation,” Jordan wrote in an exclusive editorial on The Undefeated. “As a proud member of Earth, I can no longer accept their blatant refusal to abide by the rules of fair play. The Monstars have no reservations about flattening the opponent, smacking them into walls, or breathing fire on them until they become a tiny black crisp with eyes.”


Jordan even gave a personal account of the Monstars’ aggression. “In 1996, the Monstars balled me up into a round basketball shape, passed me around while laughing, then dunked me. This incident has stayed with me for the past two decades.”

Jordan called for peace between Monstars and Looney Tunes, and also announced that he is giving one million dollars to the Intergalactic Association for Tunestar Progress, an organization that promotes constructive dialogue between different species of wacky characters.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.