While the U.S. and China were easily the dominant countries in the overall medal count in Rio, Tonga wiped the floor with both of them in the sex medal count.

Pita Taufatofua, better known to daytime talk show hosts as “sexy oily man”, led the way as he easily took home gold in Men’s Beach Appearance, the Sex Position Individual Medley, and All-Around Hardness.

“It took heart, courage, and body oil. So much body oil. We sleep in the body oil,” said Taufatofua on behalf of his home nation.”Fun fact, there are no gyms in Tonga. We were all born this way. Our babies are the sexiest babies in the world.”


Taufatofua lost 16-1 in his only match of the Olympics in the very unsexy sport of Taekwondo.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.