A bombshell report from Der Spiegel alleges that financial improprieties and illegal bribes led directly to the selection of Germany as the host of the 2006 World Cup. However, accused FIFA executives fervently deny any wrongdoing.

“All we did was accept [suitcases filled with] money to affect how we would vote and make other major decisions,” said Honorary FIFA Vice President Chung Mong-joon. “They paid for my kids to go to college, and in exchange I said Germany could host a football tournament. There’s no story here, guys.”

But reporters continued to press the embattled executive, noting that his description of the events matches the exact definition of illegal bribery.

“Let me try this again,” said an exasperated Chung. “When you want, say, pants, okay? You pay the store, I dunno, 6,000 dollars, or whatever slacks usually cost. And if you want to host a billion-dollar industry’s crown jewel event, you give a dozen men their own villas in Monaco. Are we done here?”

Reporters stared blankly at Chung, as one self-doubting journalist looked up the definition of the word ‘bribe’ on his smartphone.

“You guys look confused; granted, it’s not a perfect analogy,” Chung added. “Giorgio Armani makes all of my pants in exchange for use of the FIFA jet. That should clear things up.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.