Responding to a cryptic, anonymous tip that there is “always money in the banana stand,” FIFA raided its former president Sepp Blatter’s boardwalk snack shack and were shocked to find tens of millions of euros bundled and taped inside the concession stand’s walls.

Joseph “Sepp” Blatter resigned last year after several shocking money laundering and extortion scandals came to light, with his name at the epicenter of the corruption. Blatter vehemently denied all charges connected to his frozen banana stand, even feigning surprise with a half-hearted “Wait, how did that get in there?” as federal agents removed customized bands bearing Blatter’s signature and ring insignia from the cash.

“Someone must have planted those,” roared Blatter, as he was led away in handcuffs, according to witnesses. “And hey, you’re hard-working government employees. Feel free to take some for yourself, and keep in mind that I’m the person authorizing you to do so, even though, ya know, it’s definitely not my money.”

Blatter was released from custody after his lawyers posted bail of “a Scrooge McDuck pile of gold coins” that they had in the trunk of their cars.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.