DirecTV would have you believe retired two-time Super Bowl Champion Peyton Manning spends his morning decorating cupcakes and forgetting his brother Eli currently plays for the New York Giants. We’re to believe the most exciting man in sports just sits around in the suburbs on Sunday morning? Um, yeah right.

These exclusive photos reveal the truth about Peyton’s REAL Sunday mornings.

5:00AM Wake up in an abandoned warehouse where he raved Saturday night

5:30AM Receive orders from CIA headquarters

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6:00AM Raid Albanian drug cell, free hostages, sign autographs for hostages

6:30AM Win Ducati Race.

7:00AM Parasail to Las Vegas (only possible if you jump off El Capitan)

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7:30AM Bet all of his Nationwide commercial fortune on Red 21. Win.

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8:00AM Buffet time! Crab legs in the morning? Why not?

9:00AM Head to Jurassic Park (it’s real). Punch a T-Rex. He deserved it.

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10:00AM Video conference with Edward Snowden. Give him orders.

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11:00AM Back home, put on bathrobe to make it look like he hasn’t been doing anything. Make a big deal of opening the windows like he just woke up. Call Eli. He always needs it.

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We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.