The UNC students who take classes and tests for the UNC basketball players will play the Syracuse students who take classes and tests for the Syracuse basketball team in an exhibition basketball game directly before Syracuse meets UNC in a Final Four match-up.

Sophomore economics major Katelyn Eggers will captain the UNC Academic Surrogates because she “played a little in my driveway growing up” and is “pretty sure” she remembers the rules.

Junior physics major Jim Morota will get the surprise starting nod at center for the Syracuse Test-Takers as the only player on the team over 5’8”.

“Can we, like, just not do this?” asked a nervous anonymous senior chemistry major. “Some of us have, like, accepted jobs for after graduation, and kind of don’t want our names in the newspapers for something like this.”

UNC coach Roy Williams said he has never worked with a group of talented players who are so adept in film sessions and so completely unable to execute game plans once they step on the court.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.