Never before have the unintended effects of journalism been on display more than in a shocking new report alleging that for every op-ed scolding the misbehavior of Louisville’s athletics program, thousands of potential teenage recruits high-five over the fact that Louisville will “so totally throw [them] a mad sex party.”

“I’ve heard of sex, and I’ve heard of parties, but a sex party?” enthused 17-year old Bradley Gorton. “I’m totally switching from squash to basketball, bro!”

With the March Madness tournament quickly approaching, and all eyes in the sports world on the NCAA, dozens of columnists are trying to shoehorn in their months-late hot takes about morality in college sports. They are doing this by repeatedly making the term “sex parties” synonymous with “Louisville basketball.”

“So it’ll be like that make-out party in Cody’s basement, but with sex, holy schnikees dude,” concurred sophomore point guard Toby Redd. “Where do I send my And-1 mixtape?”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.