With the entire Russian Olympic track and field squad banned for steroids, every Olympic swimmer tested positive for literally every drug known to humanity after what was supposed to be a relaxing 10-minute “get to know each other” swim in Rio’s Guanabara Bay.

“I just tested one Korean athlete: she had tons, and I mean tons, of Naglazyme in her blood,” said one confused and pretty terrified physician. “How does that end up in a bay? It costs over $365,000 USD to administer. Oh also, everyone tested super positive for blood sewage.”

The normally-6’4” American Michael Phelps climbed out of the opaque and viscous water standing well over 8-feet tall, telling press that he felt “strangely powerful.” However, these feelings were chalked up to the fact that delusions of grandeur are a side effect of 10% of the approximately 13,000 legal and illegal drugs in his system.

“Many of the drugs entered through his ear canal or sweat pores,” guessed one Hazmat suit-wearing observer with no formal science training. “But there are so many needles floating around the Bay that some of the bloodstream-only drugs surely found a vein or two.”

Retired swimmer Mark Spitz observed the group swim safely from the banks, where he only contracted a dozen airborne diseases.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.