19 NOVEMBER 2015
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

We, at ESPN and its subsidiaries [ESPN2, ESPN Classic, and ESPN 8: The Ocho], are aware of the backlash to our organization’s claim that Aaron Rodgers (Green Bay Packers Quarterback) is being adversely affected by Olivia Munn (widely-known actress and Aaron Rodgers’ girlfriend). The criticism stems from the suggestion that Munn may be:

i. Using her womanly wiles to sway him away from practice and towards the boudoir.

ii. Potentially casting a spell, not unlike a witch from movies such as The Witches and The Witches of Eastwick, on Mr. Rodgers so he will focus on her and not on his team, the Green Bay Packers.

iii. Pretending like she’s okay with him leaving Sunday mornings to go to the game when actually she really wants him to go with her to brunch.

Our response is as follows:

ESPN will blame any damn girlfriend whenever the hell we want. We will go out of our way to exploit and falsely accuse any athlete’s companion in order to absolve the athlete. We will always seek to protect athletes from any culpability for their actions, insisting instead that it must be the fault of the mate they have chosen. We pursue this course of action for the good of sports.

We want to make it abundantly clear that we, in no way, seek to gain from the demoralizing of Ms. Munn or any other girlfriend. One of our founding principles is to idolize the sports industry; an invaluable part of that is blaming athlete’s significant others when the actual problem lies with the athlete themselves. We have seen many cases of this over the years including but not limited to:

i. Tiger Woods

ii. Anna Kournikova


iii. James Harden

iv. Alex Rodriguez

v. Seabiscuit

vi. Grantland.com

vii. Kobe Bryant

viii. Jay Cutler

ix. Serena Williams

x. Seabiscuit’s wife Oceancookie

In conclusion, we will continue to absolve athletes, regardless of on-field performance. We will exclusively seek to claim that it is their partners, and not the athlete themselves, that are fully and completely accountable for any and all natural declines in performance.

 

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.