ESPN president John Skipper has announced that the network will immediately cease all Olympic coverage in order to properly cover the global spectacle that is Tim Tebow trying to play baseball.
The network’s flagship shows, from SportsCenter to First Take to His And Hers, have received network mandates to “stop wasting your time on those Eastern European row-boaters” and focus on every angle of Tebow’s announcement.
Reporter Sal Palantonio was immediately dispatched to cover Tebow’s batting practice, at which point an ESPN cameraman caught footage of Tebow hitting with his shirt off. All other sports networks arrived within minutes.
“Every four years, the world gathers to celebrate a development in the professional career of Tim Tebow,” Skipper said. “In 2012, of course, it was Tim signing with the New York Jets. And in 2008, it was when Tim – wrongly – was voted third for the Heisman Trophy.”
“And let’s not forget 2004, when Tim was named king of his Junior Prom,” Skipper added. “Or 1988, for that matter, when Tim took his first steps straight up the middle for a three-yard-gain.”
When pressed for comment, FOX Sports commentator Skip Bayless foamed at the mouth.