I know we’re only allowed to compete in the “horsey events,” like “horsey dancing” and “horsey jumping” and stupid shit like that. But you know that we would absolutely MURDER the entire human race in every track event, right? You’re aware of this? You should be.

My boy American Pharoah won the Kentucky Derby in 2 minutes and 26 seconds. That’s a mile and a half, bitch. With a freaking dude on his back!

What can you do in 2:26? Whip your horse 75 times before getting tired and taking a nap? You’re pathetic.

I just googled “fastest mile time ever,” which took a shitload of time because your stupid human keyboards are meant for fingers and not hooves. The result? 3:43, done by some asschump who didn’t even have the sense to use all four of his limbs to increase speed. Yeah, great strategy, Hicham El Guerrouj. Idiot.

Hurdles? I’ll crush you. 100 meter dash? You’re dust. 800 meters? You’ve got to be kidding. I will own your goddamn soul on the track, any time, any day. Now go throw your stupid friggin’ javelins or whatever it is you do with your spare time. You disgust me.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.