The Orlando Magic’s turnaround 2015-2016 season appears headed for an untimely end, as the entire team is now almost entirely absorbed by point guard Elfrid Payton’s hair.
The Magic, who have fallen to eighth place in the Eastern Conference after losing five of their past six games, have become rendered unable to move about the court freely due to the industrial strength grip of Payton’s flowing locks.
“Ever since Elfrid went down with an ankle injury, we’ve struggled to pull out victories,” Magic coach Scott Skiles said. “Now I don’t know if that’s because we’re missing his ball handling and leadership on offense, or if it’s because he trapped [Magic center Nikola] Vucevic in an all-consuming web of his thick and obstreperous hair, but something’s certainly amiss.”
With three hired barbers having been killed in action, and pest control having contaminated the entirety of the Amway Center before doing any damage to Payton’s unruly mane, Skiles has posted a Craigslist ad for “a gardener with hedge clippers and zero family dependents.”
“Listen, it’s a long season,” guard Victor Oladipo added while fending off the strand of Payton’s hair that was gradually working its way up his left arm and towards his throat.
“You’re gonna have your ups and your downs and your transformations of hair into insidious cephalopods that wreak havoc on the mobility of your entire team.”