Newly-crowned NBA villain Kevin Durant has a new team, but now, he just needs a lair to match. Durant has teamed up with Nyala Sheffield of Satan’s Circle Realty to find the perfect den of corruption from which to plot further evil schemes and perfect his cackle.

“She showed me a couple lairs on the side of a volcano, but they were in Iceland and my home games will be played in Oakland, California,” Durant explained, ominously tenting his fingers while standing in front of his poster of Mr. Burns making the identical gesture. “Sigh. Would that there were more volcanoes in San Francisco.”

Once he has chosen a suitable lair, Durant will begin the arduous process of assembling an anonymous-yet-shockingly-competent core of blindly loyal henchmen, many of whom will be killed while executing their evil overlord’s plans.

“Durant offers competitive rates and a great medical package, including vision and dental,” said Wolf, a former henchman for LeBron James during the 2011-12 Miami Heat championship season. “Re-locating my henchfamily was not easy, but Mr. Durant introduced me to some great private schools for my daughters, where they’ll be among the kids of the most evil people in Silicon Valley.”

The Golden State Warriors will scrimmage the Monstars later this afternoon, followed by a joint practice with the Hans Gruber’s new D-League team tomorrow.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.