Within hours of the Thunder’s exit from the Western Conference Finals, pundits were speculating around the clock about where NBA superstar Kevin Durant would head now that he’s a free agent. In a grainy footage video message uploaded by an anonymous LiveLeak user, we finally have our answer: “Wherever these Mexican kidnappers take me.”

Multiple reports had suggested Durant would join the promising young core in Boston or Washington, team up with the defending champion Golden State Warriors, or even stay put and take another run at the Finals with his current team. A stash house in rural Mexico had not even been considered by sources close to the Durant.


“I’ve pored over the many variables associated with making a decision of this magnitude,” noted Durant in front of a drab curtain that appeared to have been hastily hung behind him. “And doing whatever these people — who are treating me very well, by the way, given the circumstances — tell me feels like the best course of action at this stage.”

With the expected increases in ransom salary caps in 2017, Durant’s captors figure to pull in an impressive haul no matter where he ends up.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.