After 19 seasons in the league, Tim Duncan has finally announced his retirement terms.

“I will keep playing basketball until someone gives me a real nickname,” he told reporters. Duncan is a five-time NBA champion and 15 time NBA All-star, leading many to assume he had achieved all the accolades he could ever want. But one laurel has continued to elude him.

“The nickname ‘The Big Fundamental’ just doesn’t do me justice,” Duncan calmly articulated while practicing post moves before the Spurs actual practice began. “Yes, I happen to take pride in being a fundamentally sound player. But, I have other interests that I think are being overlooked. I’m also a great friend. What about ‘The Big Friend’ or ‘The Big Neat,’ because I’m also great at keeping my uniform neat.”

Tim politely waiting for someone to come up with something good (Getty)

Tim politely waiting for someone to come up with something good (Getty)

Spurs head coach, Greg Popovich, an ardent supporter of joviality and merriment amongst his players, backed up his star center’s hold-out for a well-deserved nickname. “I think it’s a shame that a player of his caliber has to ask so many times for a proper nickname to be bestowed upon him. In my opinion there is nothing more important in the game of basketball than a player’s nickname.”

“A lot of players have nicknames,” Duncan mused while going through his pregame 1,000 bank sky-hook ritual. “I think I’ve earned it. Ooh! Big Tim. What about ‘Big Tim? No, too flashy.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.