Look man, I know you’re all hyped up about my late-game layup that helped secure another win, but dude. I’m not giving you daps. Stop asking.

I saw you pull that slimy, chewed-up, saliva-riddled piece of plastic out of your sweaty mouth like four seconds before you came over. Don’t you respect me as a teammate? Don’t you care about me?

When we won the title, we high-fived. When we both found out we were All-Stars, we high-fived.

When you sneezed into your hand then offered me a piece of birthday cake, I went to Carvel and bought a new one. It’s only common sense.


INDIANAPOLIS, IN - DECEMBER 8: Draymond Green #23 and Stephen Curry #30 of the Golden State Warriors celebrate against the Indiana Pacers in the second half of the game at Bankers Life Fieldhouse on December 8, 2015 in Indianapolis, Indiana. The Warriors defeated the Pacers 131-123 to move to 23-0 on the season. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using the photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement. (Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images)

I’m worried, dude. (Getty)

We have the playoffs coming up in a few short months, and I straight up don’t want to be sick. Are you jealous of my assist numbers and want me out of the way? Because I’ll share the rock. You know me well enough at this point to know that it’s not about all that.

Seriously, though, remember that time Bogut sneezed into his open hand just before tip-off, and then everyone spent the rest of the week sick AF? We didn’t lose, because we’re boss like that, but we barely beat the 76ers. Philly, dude.

Oh God, coach Kerr just hocked up some phlegm into his fist, and now he’s offering me the Sharpie to draw up an inbounds play.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.