“Dood, the fackin’ Red Sox just signed my friggin’ cousin,” said Charlestown residents Grady O’Sullivan, Mickey O’Sullivan, and Saoirse O’Sullivan-Flannery upon reading in the Boston Herald that their hometown baseball team had signed a redheaded, bearded 28-year-old pitcher named Sean O’Sullivan.

O’Sullivan struggled while playing for the Phillies in 2015, posting a 6.08 ERA in 13 starts, but Red Sox GM Mike Hazen could not resist bringing the righty home to the biggest family reunion on record.

“I gawt tickets fer everyone in awh family fer Openin’ Day, pal,” said Billerica native Charlie O’Sullivan. “I think there was maybe eight leftovah on fuggin’ Stub Hub.”

However, some in Massachusetts were not so pleased about this latest development.

“He used to friggin’ work at the Dunkin Donuts in Saugus, and now he prawbly thinks he’s bettah than me?” asked Topsfield citizen Ricky O’Sullivan, later adding, “Ah, I’m drunk, don’t listen to me, arright?”

According to reports, there were another 45,000 Bostonians who claimed to have played against O’Sullivan in high school, all noting that he was “nothin’ special, kid.”

O’Sullivan grew up and went to high school in San Diego, CA.

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