Following the Patriots’ crushingly close loss to the Broncos Sunday afternoon, sad Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski hosted a sad kegger.
“Come on in and, I dunno, I guess get wild,” said Gronk, greeting guests and half-heartedly fist pumping. “There’s jello shots in the fridge and… [choking back tears]… a couple kegs out on the porch.”
The kegger was outfitted with all the normal Gronk-party accoutrements but was steeped in sadness. Multiple times throughout the painful rager, Gronk interrupted the bumping EDM to listen to Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Sound of Silence” in its entirety.
“Man, I hate to see him like this,” lamented Gronk’s brother Glenn. “He barely finished half his beer bong, and he got up to like 35° on his keg stand… Christ, he’s still wearing his shirt! This is awful.”
The gaggle of Gronkowski brothers pulled out all the stops to try and cheer up the Patriots star, but all were to no avail.
“I let him sink a bounce shot in beer pong; he didn’t even celebrate!” said a worried Dan Gronkowski. “We rolled out the tequila Slip’N Slide; he said he wasn’t in the mood. I can’t remember the last time we partied and we didn’t chest bump once.”
Alarm amongst the brothers reached a peak when Gronk declined to autograph the breasts of a female partygoer and then announced he was going to turn in early.