Fastest Man in the World? Move over, Usain Bolt. The reigning Olympic champion sprinter was defeated easily by an Australian ostrich named Man.

Man, who had seemed to have no idea that he was involved in the 100-meter race, appeared only to be running just fast enough to elude the tall, strange fellow wearing a bright yellow spandex shirt.


“Man bested me on the track today,” said an exhausted Bolt, who only had time to pose and wink for the camera twice during his 9.73-second sprint. “But I have a feeling I’ll beat him in our next competition: neatly eating cereal and milk with a spoon.”

Man the ostrich gave several incomprehensible comments at the post-race press conferences that, according to witnesses, sounded more like bird noises than English sentences.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.