The sovereign nation of the Democratic Republic of Phelps moved into 40th place for most Summer Olympic Gold Medals, slipping past Jamaica and Argentina after racking up yet another thrilling win.
“The Democratic Republic of Phelps is strong, and I am proud to represent her,” said president/king/Secretary of State/Minister of Swimming Michael Phelps. “We are a young country. We are a wet country. We are a swimming country.”
Phelps has won every gold medal in the history of the controversial nation, which was only granted its independence on June 30, 1985, coinciding with the birth of the greatest swimmer in history. Though initially a part of the United States of America, Phelps appealed to the federal government, leading to then-president Ronald Reagan signing the fabled Phelps Letter, which stated: “Do whatever you want, man. You’re so awesome.”
The DRoP now stands only 958 gold medals behind the United States, the all-time leader in Summer Olympics Gold Medals. Phelps had planned to equal this mark by the 2024 Games, but through a quirk of geography, every one of his medals adds to Team USA’s total. The lesson, as always: geography ruins pretty much everything.