An NBA champion for the first time in his three-year career, Cavaliers guard Matthew Dellavedova is embarking on a noble mission to visit local Cleveland middle schools and provide inspiring swirlies to students.

“They told me I was too short, that I was too slow, that I’d never make it,” said Dellavedova, holding the legs of Shaker Heights 8th grader Jamie Forrer over a public toilet. “But if you work as hard as I did, you could be an NBA champion some day too! Nerd.”


Dellavedova has reportedly doled out upwards of two dozen swirlies during his victory lap since contributing 0 points, 0 rebounds, 0 assists, and 0 steals to the Cavs’ historic Game 7 win over the Warriors. The middle schoolers on the receiving end, for their part, seem to be quite appreciative of the free life lessons they’re receiving.

“I feel ready to take on the world,” exclaimed Euclid 7th grader Elliot Redgrave, as he used a hand dryer to get toilet water out of his clothes and hair. “If someone like that can win an NBA championship, there’s nothing that can stop me from channeling the rage I feel right now and start lashing out on my classmates in a fit of misplaced aggression!”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.