Nearly all schools in the New England area are closed today due to blizzard conditions, so Patriots coach Bill Belichick made sure to call the children of his players to confirm they were still attending school.

“We have a game next week. I assume they have some sort of test or quiz,” mumbled Belichick. “Leave early. Dig out the school bus. Convince your local government to keep the schools open. No excuses.”


In anticipation of the storm, Belichick has asked truancy officers in the area (who he also expects to be working) to keep a particularly close watch.

“Daddy says whatever Mr. Belichick says, goes,” said disappointed eight-year-old Tyler Brady. “But just FYI, my school is empty and I’m alone. This isn’t safe!”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.