The Chicago Cubs threw a massive parade this morning to celebrate veteran catcher David Ross for presiding over a masterful 16-0 no-hitter against the Cincinnati Reds.

“He was calling fastballs at the right time, suggesting pitch locations, what a performance,” gushed Cubs manager Joe Maddon. “Jimmy barely had to do a thing.”

(Ed. Note: By “Jimmy,” we assume Maddon was actually referring to “Jake [Arrieta],” the winning pitcher in the game.)

Arrietta congratulating Ross on his brilliant performance (Getty)

Arrietta congratulating Ross on his brilliant performance (Getty)

“We love you, David!” shouted gleeful Chicagoans from the Wrigleyville thoroughfare. “You truly caught our hearts!”

Ross spent the day signing autographs on fans’ scorecards, but always reminded the fans who was truly behind the historic night: “Let’s not forget about the grounds crew. Without them, we wouldn’t have been able to play on the field and thus, I couldn’t have called such an epic no-hitter.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.