Following the news that starting quarterback Tony Romo would have to miss 6-10 weeks, the Dallas Cowboys immediately signed Michael Vick, Tim Tebow, and Johnny Manziel, explaining their reasoning behind it all as: “…Because fuck it.”

In an unprecedented deal, the Cowboys signed all three players to a single one-year contract. The terms of the agreement have also never been done before, requiring Vick, Tebow, and Maziel to “share” the quarterback position in what the Cowboys are calling a “Wildcat +1” offense.

“Look, we’ve tried things the traditional way, and where did that get us? Nowhere,” said Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett. “I’m just going to send those knuckleheads out there each week, sit my ass in a goddamn lawnchair, and let them do whatever the hell they want.”

The Cowboys also announced the additions of Kordell Stewart, Vince Young, Ryan Leaf, Joey Harrington, and Karl Sweetan, despite his having passed away in 2000. Said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, “We may never win, but we’ll always have quarterbacks.”

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