In the NFL, the stakes are always at their highest when divisional rivals clash. Never has that been truer than this weekend, when the Dallas Cowboys and Washington Redskins square off, with the middle of the NFC East potentially on the line.

“We set out to win this division, as we do every year,” said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. “And then Romo went down. And that other guy. Then our prized rookie visited a marijuana store. And we said, ‘Eh, maybe we try to finish top three [out of four] this year.'”

Meanwhile, Washington, fresh off a pitiful Week 1 loss, also has set its sights on a third-place finish in the hotly-contested division.

“Hey, you never know. A few bounces go our way, any given Sunday and all that, I think 6-10 might actually be good for second place this year,” offered Redskins coach Jay Gruden. “Wow, that’s my version of optimism now. Yikes.”

Las Vegas casinos currently list both teams as 6-point underdogs, an unprecedented gambling anomaly. But in the midst of this fierce match-up, one cannot forget about the Eagles and Giants, both of whom seem quite capable of ending up somewhere in the middle or even the bottom of the division.

“How much longer before I can stop caring?” drank fans of all four teams.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.