Ryan Lochte announced today, via his lawyer, that he was “extremely disappointed in the USOC’s decision to ban him from using water for 10 months.” A representative for the United States Olympic Committee (USOC) went on to clarify that “at no point did anyone say Mr. Lochte was banned from water all together. I mean, how would that even be possible?”

“Water is, like, everywhere. It’s even in our bodies, I think,” continued Lochte in his written statement. “Am I supposed to, like, not shower? Or wash my hair? Or shower?!”

Lochte’s lawyer, Jeff Ostrow, pointed out that he had spent “an extensive amount of time” attempting to explain to Lochte that the ban simply referred to swimming for the Olympic team. But according to Ostrow, “Once Ryan gets hung up on something, he really stops taking in further information.”

Lochte’s response to the USOC’s ban finished with: “While I believe the USOC’s punishment of my actions is excessive, I will adhere to their requirements. Effective immediately I will stop swimming, bathing, drinking, getting caught in sudden rainstorms, having water balloon fights, staring at pictures of oceans, and peeing.”

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*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.