Fresh off a Tournament loss to Oregon, Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski has settled in for a relaxing offseason of telling service industry professionals how he’s not mad, but he is disappointed in their effort.

“I ordered the Super Deluxe package from your car wash establishment, and cleanliness of my Prius’ exterior matches that of a car that had merely the Ultra Premium package,” said Krzyzewski said to a 17-year old attendant who was looking at his shoes.

Since exiting the tournament, Krzyzewski has already visited a pizza parlor, a bakery, a Jiffy Lube, and a nail salon for men, all of which reportedly provided unsatisfactory service and effort.


“Maria at Quiznos is too good of a sandwich maker to throw that much mayonnaise on a sandwich after I asked for her to go light on the mayonnaise,” Coach K muttered just loud enough for Maria and her manager to hear clearly.

When asked by media members what he said to Maria, Krzyzewski claimed that he merely complimented her for being such a good team-oriented sandwich artist.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.