Hey there, rest of America!
We thought it would be neighborly of us to give you a quick heads up that, win or lose, we are definitely going to burn our city to the ground after the NBA playoffs.
Here’s the thing: we don’t even know why we’re doing it! We just know that we will.
If LeBron leads us to the championship he’s always promised us (which, by the way, would be our first in any sport since nineteen-sixty-goll-darn-four! I mean, what?!?), it’ll be happy fires that we cook s’mores over while singing songs! The city of Cleveland will crumble under the massive inferno, but trust us, it’ll be delightful.
And if LeBron falls to 2-5 for his NBA Finals career, and Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love are seen sulking on the court about not receiving enough touches, we’re going to burn EVERYTHING. Oh, we’ll still make s’mores, but they’ll be burnt almost to the point of being inedible, because at that point, we don’t deserve the happiness that comes from a well-cooked dessert. They will be left on the flame for far too long, to be consumed as joyless ash in our mouths. They will be the culinary embodiment of six decades of watching every one of our stars come up short, leave town, or both. We will watch in allegorical horror, as the marshmallows bubble over just like our collective psyches after more than a half-century of utter futility. The chocolate will melt into a disgusting puddle, just as our hearts sank into a dark mass when LeBron left us in 2010 on a prideful national TV special that we have never stopped thinking about, no matter how hard we cheer for him on a nightly basis.
So, maybe take that Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame trip you’ve been planning for months a little later this summer after the noxious fumes of singed roadsigns and concrete has cleared a bit.
Thanks for reading!
The Citizens of Cleveland