Following yet another disappointing season and the firings of head coach Mike Pettine and GM Ray Farmer, the Cleveland Browns have taken their annual offseason overhaul to the next level by leaving the NFL entirely and entering the landscaping business instead.

“Yeah, well, clearly the football business wasn’t working out for us,” said owner Jimmy Haslam while stuffing football memorabilia into a cardboard box. “But I thought to myself, ‘Jimbo, when the lord gives you lemons, you start chopping down lemon trees.'”

Haslam noted that the Browns were already well equipped for the landscaping industry, given their access to a large amount of sod and numerous burly men.


By Monday morning, former players Donte Whitner and Brian Hartline could be seen combing the greater Cleveland area for living plants and foliage.

“January probably isn’t the best time of year to get into the landscaping industry around here,” Whitner said, staring forlornly at his WeedWacker. “I knew I should have stayed in San Francisco.”

As of press time, quarterback Johnny Manziel has asked that the Browns grant him a release, stating that getting up early in the morning to rake leaves and haul bags of fertilizer didn’t really fit with his “lifestyle.”

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*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
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