Chip Kelly, in response to Lesean McCoy harshly rejecting his olive-branch hand shake, grabbed his Toshiba boombox and drove his 1976 Chevy Malibu over to the estranged running back’s house to serenade him with Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes.”

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Kelly told reporters. “Lesean and my relationship was going south, fast. I should have known how lucky I was. An athlete like him, all that talent, playing for a schlub like me? Dang.”

Kelly said that he has no plans to make similar overtures to Nick Folk, Desean Jackson, or any of the other players he purged from the roster in his time at the helm of the Eagles.

“Dude also thinks that the no-huddle offense and the toaster strudel were his original ideas.” McCoy commented. “Watch a damn movie, Chip.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.