Ongoing negotiations between the San Diego Chargers and highly-touted rookie Joey Bosa intensified this morning, when the franchise sent their first-round pick a cardboard box filled with dog feces.

“This. This box right here. This is our counter-offer. Take it or leave it, you selfish dickbag,” read the handwritten note inside.

Bosa’s agent Mike Garafalo swiftly responded with a counter-counter-offer that would lower his client’s proposed signing bonus to only $15 million, in exchange for Chargers owner Alex Spanos personally coming over to Bosa’s house and retrieving the dogshit with his bare hands.


“And if that doesn’t work, Spanos will wake up tomorrow to find a little surprise in his car, heh heh heh,” added Garafolo. “Oh, I mean, it’ll be an envelope with a term sheet proposal and a clear timeline. Not a bag of shit. This is business, and we are adults.”

“I totally farted on Spanos on purpose at our last meeting, though,” Bosa giggled.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.