The Arizona Cardinals have filed an advance protest of Saturday’s NFC Divisional Playoff game after finding Manitowoc County Sheriff’s Lieutenant James Lenk and Sergeant Andrew Colborn in the Green Bay Packers’ locker room.

Lenk and Colborn are suspected of tampering with the Packers’ game balls. Manitowoc County had previously agreed to relinquish all locker room access to the Packers’ equipment staff, whose job it usually is to handle these kinds of things.

The protest comes amidst concerns the officers may be motivated by revenge following the Packers’ 38-8 defeat to the Cardinals in December.

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Purported Packers game ball.

“The brazenness of their dishonesty is absolutely stunning,” Cardinals coach Bruce Arians said in a statement. “The Packers’ game balls have registered PSI levels less than half of the NFL’s standards, and we even have security footage of Lenk and Colborn methodically stabbing each ball a variety of small knives.”


Lenk and Colborn deny any wrongdoing.

“To have our department’s reputation dragged through the mud yet again is just too much to take,” Sergeant Colborn said while breaking the necks of several baby birds.

“We’ve done no deflating of balls whatsoever,” added Lieutenant Lenk, who then hissed and flashed his forked, reptilian tongue. “I, for one, have been focused on improving our office’s 1.1 star Google Reviews rating.”

As of press time, current Wisconsin prisoner Steven Avery has been charged with deflating the balls.

 

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