Panthers quarterback Cam Newton descended into a spiral of fear and self-doubt while trying to open a jar of dill pickles.
“I’m the greatest!” Newton was heard shouting gleefully to himself. “Nothing can stand in my way! No person or inanimate object could ever possibly defeat—hold on. What’s happening here?”
Newton then struggled to open the jar, first using his right hand and then his left, for the next fifteen minutes, after which he tucked it under his arm and ran in circles. Then he placed it on the floor and attempted to dive over it. Finally, he threw the jar out the window in a panic.
“I’m not sure what’s real any more,” Newton told the press. “If I can’t open a jar of pickles, what else can’t I do? Read a defense? Break a tackle? Throw a touchdown?”
As of press time, Newton was spotted frowning very widely and stopping every once in a while to dance a slow, mournful dab.