Furious about being barred from participating in yet another Home Run Derby, Giants pitcher/slugger Madison Bumgarner took to the streets to demand equal hitting rights for pitchers at All-Star Games in National League ballparks.

“I grew up pitching, hitting, fielding, same as any of you,” Bumgarner shouted to a crowd of supporters. “This barbaric practice of designating a hitter to replace a capable, healthy pitcher from a line-up is antiquated and must be changed!”

Bumgarner was joined on the dais by a group of luminary hitting pitchers, including Rick Ankiel, Carlos Zambrano, and Mike Hampton.


“Imagine if world-class pitcher George Herman Ruth was forced to just throw stupid pitches all day,” said Hampton. “He would have been forced to… stay in Boston his whole career. Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth.”

Bumgarner then led the crowd in a “Let us hit! Let us hit!” chant that quickly petered out because Giancarlo Stanton walked by and everyone wanted to meet a real hitter.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.