In what’s been called a “game changing move”, the Cleveland Browns traded four of their 2016 picks for Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson. The 8 bit player has not been active since 1991, but will make $16 million dollars this season.

“We’re excited,” said Browns coach Hue Jackson. “I saw this kid make a kick-off return where he caught the ball at the twenty-six yard line, then ran backwards to the one yard line, just so he could run ninety-nine yards for the touchdown. It was incredible! Frankly, I got caught up in the music of it.” Jackson then put his hand on one of the squares that might be Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson’s shoulders.

“He’s just faster than everybody else,” said Browns owner Jimmy Haslam. “Maybe twice as fast. It’s almost unfair.”

When asked if he was excited to be playing again, Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson made a sound that resembled a 20 year old Japanese alarm clock.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.