After leading the Patriots to their first loss of the season, rookie quarterback Jacoby Brissett was sternly asked to remove his personal effects from the “quarterback locker.” Newly returned QB1 Tom Brady supervised the removal, not blinking once during the entire 20-minute process.

“Make sure to get everything,” Brady said in a hushed monotone.

Brady was expecting to take over an undefeated team, but the Buffalo Bills’ defense clearly rattled the rookie Brissett. Brady was not happy about it.


“Leave the coffee,” Brady muttered firmly, as Brissett attempted to pack up the Keurig machine his parents bought him. “Coffee is for winners. Like me. Or Jimmy. Or Jimmy Eat World. They rock.”

Brissett will reportedly keep his pads, uniform, and personal items on the floor in a neat pile in some corner of the locker room for the remainder of the season (or until he wins as a starter again).

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.