After Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s suspension appeal was denied, the four-time Super Bowl champion’s lone remaining recourse is now a meeting with the Supreme Court or Ben Affleck going crazy and abducting NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

Brady and his legal team have vehemently denied any wrongdoing in the “DeflateGate” scandal of 2015, and with only a few months before the start of the NFL season, they hope that SCOTUS will step in and reverse the ruling. However, judicial insiders speculate that the hearing could be rendered moot if filmmaker/actor/insane Boston sports fan ranter/screenwriter Ben Affleck meticulously plans and executes one of the most daring kidnappings in recent memory.


A spokesman for the NFL addressed the kidnapping rumors: “We have caught wind of Mr. Affleck’s possible scheme, and we have a solid contingency plan, revolving around a certain former ESPN employee, who knows the NFL as well as anyone, and who seems to have a good rapport with Affleck, serving as our chief hostage negotiator. It’s Bill Simmons. We’re talking about Simmons.”

Prior to making any rulings, Affleck has demanded that all members of the Supreme Court watch, in their entirety, the Sports Illustrated-made wrap-up DVDs from the 2001, 2003, and 2004 NFL seasons. Also they have to watch The Town, but that’s just mostly because it’s really freaking good and everyone should see it. Jeremy Renner gives a career-defining performance, and the action sequences are well-paced and highly inventive.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.