You thought you were so sly, Tom Brady. You thought nobody would notice. Well, you’re wrong. We have you on tape, pricking and deflating Jimmy Garoppolo.

What, did you think this would get you your job back? You have to serve a four-game suspension either way. Now the Patriots are down two quarterbacks, and we’ve got to tell Jimmy’s family that their son is flat. Do you realize what kind of pump is required to re-inflate a man of his size?

You know, I used to believe you. I thought, ‘that Tom Brady, he’s a stand-up guy. He would never deflate a football to gain a competitive advantage.’ But lo and behold, here you are, slowly squeezing the air of this poor young man. If that’s not a red flag, I don’t know what is.

No, Tom, stop folding him like a deflated raft. That’s a human being. Are you taking him to your garage? Seriously? We’re still seeing all of this, Tom. What are you doing with that needle now? No, you’re not – yep, you are. You’re deflating third-string QB Jacoby Brissett. He’s a rookie, Tom. You’re sick. Truly, profoundly sick.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.