With Tom Brady’s four game suspension official, the veteran quarterback has ramped up his mentorship of back-up Jimmy Gerropullio on everything from reading defensive audibles to shortening his last name to make sportswriters’ lives easier.

“Tom. Brady. You hear how nice that is? I say it on the radio, and everyone knows how to spell it,” Brady told Ghourappelini, who took careful notes. “But you? It’s like a Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee out there.”

“You’re the football equivalent of a handful of random Scrabble tiles strewn across my bathroom floor,” Brady continued. “Yes, I play Scrabble with my wife in the bathroom. We have kids, and it’s hard to find quiet time in the house, Jimmy. You’re not here to ask questions. You’re here to learn.”

After weeks of name-shortening tutelage, the Eastern Illinois alumnus unveiled his new identity at a press conference: “You can call me Jim Gary. Jim like a Slim Jim, and Gary like Indiana.”

Patriots fans immediately booed him off-stage for mentioning a state other than Massachusetts.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.