Wow, Tom, pretty cool how your protégé really seized the moment, huh? That Jimmy Garoppolo, I tell ya, he sure does have a future in the NFL. You’re not worried, though, right? Don’t be silly, man. Your starting job is COMPLETELY safe.

After all, you’re an established veteran quarterback who caught an unlucky break – it’s not like they’re just going to give your job to some punk kid. That would be crazy! After all you’ve done for this franchise? Please.

Just try to ignore any talk of Jimmy being “the future” or “the new full-time starting quarterback” or “a Super Bowl champion in his first year as the new full-time starting quarterback.” It’s all just talk, Tom. Focus on you. There are always opportunities elsewhere. You could go somewhere like, I don’t know, Buffalo. Or Dallas! I hear they’re short on QBs. Just a couple suggestions. Not that you need them!

Oh, and another thing while we’re chatting. Your deflategate suspension is TOTALLY not the result of a years-long revenge scheme culminating in you losing your job in the same exact fashion in which I lost my job to you fifteen years ago. That would be crazy! After all, your job is safe. Jimmy doesn’t stand a chance. No sir-ee.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.