Relax, okay? I bumped my head on the medicine cabinet or something. Why do you ask?

I mean, it’s crazy to even think that I would have spent part of my bye week in an experimental ocular technology center outside of Stockholm, Sweden, where the revolutionary Dr. Ulf Samuelsson has perfected a procedure to implant nanotechnology camera equipment into the human eye capable of reading documents up to 100 yards away. Why would you even bring that crazy possibility up?

And even if I did get this wildly fascinating surgery that I have no idea exists, it’s not like it would provide an advantage to the Patriots this weekend anyway. The Chiefs make all of their offensive play calls through an encrypted system of ancient runes, and there’s no way that Dr. Samuelsson could have mastered them and programmed their meanings and subtleties into a supercomputer roughly the size of a poppy seed.

Look, guys, I have a huge game to get ready for. I barely have time to eat breakfast in the morning, which is probably why I was rushing and ended up bonking the ol’ noodle on the kitchen counter. Or the medicine cabinet. Whichever one I said earlier.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.