Much of the New England media is on edge as it was discovered that Patriots coach Bill Belichick is allowed to shoot one member of the press per season. The hidden “one media murder per year” clause in Belichick’s contract was found by lawyers for The Boston Globe this week. The clause appears to be a partnership between Belichick, the NFL, and federal law enforcement that allows the coach to “go ahead and put a bullet in the next dumbass who asks him something stupid.”

When asked about the clause by a member of ESPN, Belichick stared for a long time at the reporter, mulling thoughts of delicious reprisal. Then, Belichick came out of it and gave a terse reply of “Next question.”

The Patriots office would neither confirm nor deny that Belichick was able to shoot someone without any repercussions, but did say that “Coach Belichick is a valuable member of our family, and we will do whatever we can to help him run this team effectively. And if that means presenting him each year with one special bullet with the word ‘asshole’ written on it, then we’re going to do that.”

The Patriots training camp began this week, and Belichick began his post-practice press conference by laughing for six minutes and looking at faces around the room.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.