The Red Sox and the City of Boston pulled out all the stops to say goodbye to David Ortiz at his final regular season game. Big Papi was showered with honors and gifts of all sorts, including a 1993 Subaru Impreza purchased with pooled money from the city’s Southie neighborhood.

“Pawpi, you’ve meant so much to the city, kid. Thank you,” said a representative for the neighborhood. “Please accept this wicked clean Impreza my boy Chawlie found online for a good frickin’ price. It doesn’t have powah windows but it’s only missin’ one hubcap. We love you.”

The ceremony was then held up briefly as the Southie crew showed Ortiz how to start the car by touching some wires together under the steering wheel, since “[their] boy Mikey gawt wicked drunk and lawst the keys.”

Ortiz, always wicked gracious, accepted the vehicle and even helped to push start it to get it off the field.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.