To the Cleveland Cavaliers and the hard-working men and women who support them:

I know you feel like you’re in an insurmountable hole. You feel like the path to victory is all but lost.

But I urge you, Cleveland, here and now, to believe! The overly complicated points system, which only a handful of high-priced lawyers from fancy schools like SUNY Binghamton can even begin to understand, is the only thing that stands in your way.

Not talent, not ability, not persistence, not the fact that you’re able to fill entire stadiums with your legions of vocal supporters.


So the Warriors scored 15 more points than you did in Game 1. What does that even mean? That a few unexpected super-delegates came off the bench and tilted the outcome in favor of the entrenched, reigning champions? That shouldn’t deter you one iota.

And who cares that the Warriors outscored you again in Game 2 by a measly 3 points. That’s barely a blip! That’s one shot from the corner!

Okay, I’m just now getting word from my speechwriter that it was actually 33 points in Game 2, not 3 points. Yeah, that’s, uh, that’s a big one. I might have to re-visit my whole thesis here.

But, ya know, you shouldn’t get down on yourselves! The system is rigged! I’ve been saying it for my entire life, and it’s still true today — but wait, seriously? 33 points? I know it was an away game, but come on, guys. You’ve got LeBron Friggin’ James. Get it together, Cleveland. Man.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.