With Jacoby Brissett’s injured thumb, Jimmy Garoppolo’s hurt shoulder, and Tom Brady still suspended one game, the Patriots are now down to zero quarterbacks for next week’s matchup against the Bills. But never fear: Bill Belichick just made a new quarterback out of an old broomstick he found lying around, and it is expected to be perfectly fine.

Belichick is being typically tight-lipped about what types of plays the broomstick will run, but if we know anything about the Patriots’ offense, that broomstick is going to look shockingly competent despite the fact that it has never played in an NFL game and is also a non-sentient object.

“We’re going to blitz the shit out of the broomstick,” said Bills head coach Rex Ryan. “And I’m not afraid to say it. Straight blitzes all day, and never thinking about how if I give up a touchdown to a broomstick I am definitely getting fired at halftime.”

Ryan then retreated into his office to spellcheck his resume.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.