The upcoming fight between Batman and Superman was tainted by controversy when Batman tested positive for HGH and blood doping drugs. When confronted with the test results, Batman did not deny them.

“Hell yes!” said Batman. “I took all of them! I would take more if my body could stand it.”

Batman said the explanation was simple. “I’m a man, okay? I need every advantage I can get, He’s a super alien! He can lift a building off the ground! My powers are that I’m smart, rich and angry.”

Batman said he made the drugs himself using research from a “bat computer” (Apple Macbook Pro), and the help of the San Francisco based Bay Area Laboratory Collective. “I called them up and said, “I’m fighting Superman,” said Batman. “I need some of that Barry Bonds shit.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.