A tense moment went down at Nationals Park in Washington DC earlier today, when a 14-year old bat boy put it all on the line to slap Nats slugger Bryce Harper on his buttocks after an impressive home run.

“I saw [Harper’s butt], and I just sort of went for it,” the bat boy said. “He came through in the clutch. And when that happens, a butt needs to be slapped.”

“It all happened so fast,” Harper noted after the game. “I will have a lengthy discussion with my lawyers about whether or not to pursue legal action against this flagrant derriere assailant.”

A team representative for the Nationals noted that bat boys are typically allotted as many as six butt-slaps per season, but that there is a general understanding not to use their allotments on All-Stars or future Hall of Famers.

“Would I do it again?” mused the bat boy, who will remain anonymous as he is underage. “I don’t know. There are so many other butts in this world that I haven’t slapped. It would almost be unfair to slap the same one twice.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.