This is the hugging-a-puppy of crime stories.

The finding-a-20-dollar-bill-in-your-winter-jacket of sports narratives.

The your-country-just-pulled-off-a-huge-upset-at-the-World-Cup of soccer satisfaction.

Sepp Blatter is now facing a criminal investigation. Let’s all watch this video:

Honestly, it doesn’t even matter what the charges are. Fraud? Bribery? Racketeering? We don’t even know what that is. Sounds like a tennis crime.

Forcing the Women’s World Cup to be played on dangerous turf even though several companies offered to sod the entire tournament free of charge? This, by the way, definitely happened. Don’t forget this.


The point is that the other cleat has finally dropped for a man who has been leading a multi-billion dollar crime syndicate for decades.

We spent six months shouting from the rooftops in this country about inflated balls. Now imagine if, instead of deflating balls, he made improper payments to a potential replacement. Oh wait, he did that!

What if, instead of destroying his phone, he made sketchy TV deals with Caribbean media companies? You guessed it, he did that too!

And just for good measure, imagine that instead of possibly being generally aware that some team interns had maybe let 2psi out of a ball, he was the ring-leader of an organization that has already seen seven high-ranking officials arrested for similar crimes. SHOCKING, but that’s our man.

You know what? Let’s just all watch this video again:

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.