In a surprising move that transcended time and space, former Cleveland center Anderson Varejao was traded to a 1980’s Aerobicise team. Varejao will now work out exclusively for Trim-vigorate!, a San Francisco-based workout studio located in the year 1986. In exchange, Trim-vigorate! will send its best aerobiciser, Danny Blast, as well as a fitness dancer to be named later.

“Anderson just made sense to us,” said Mitchtastic, co-captain of Trim-vigorate! “He’s got the sweat bands. He’s got hair for days. If he can just learn to smile while furiously jumping in place, we’ll have a real asset.”


Varejao’s salary will drop to $120K a year, which includes a sponsorship from Crystal Light.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.